The Purity Culture.

On the 3rd, June, Whispers Feminists had a discussion on the topic: The Purity Culture, facilitated by Ifeanyi June Oluchi.

Oluchi June:

Does anyone have any idea of what purity culture is?

MO:

So..I believe purity culture entails the warped idea of women staying 'pure' and untouched till marriage; the idea of women keeping themselves sexually for the patriarchy in their lives.

C:

I think purity culture entails things the society has tagged as what makes a woman clean

OJ:

Before we go any further, this is what we would be discussing today 

-What is purity culture?

-Purity culture aids rape culture

-What are the lies that purity culture has propagated?

-What are the steps towards unlearning purity culture?

These are amazing definitions which completely explain purity culture through and through

“I was raised to believe that getting on birth control and buying condoms was worse than actually having sex. It meant you were planning to have sex and premeditated sex was practically unjustifiable – it meant that your loss of purity was intentional, that you actively decided to disobey God.

I also had several conversations with female friends when I was younger as they worried that they were pregnant, that they had caught some disease, because they were afraid to use protection. Using protection meant going out and buying protection and that meant that they were actively planning to have sex. 

And that took away their excuse that these kind of things “just happened.” Planning to have safe sex eliminated their one refuge from shame – that they were merely passive receivers of something happening to them, rather than actively deciding to participate and protect themselves”.

Dianna E. Anderson

“Purity culture” is the term often used for the evangelical movement that attempts to promote a biblical view of purity by discouraging dating and promoting virginity before marriage.

Some might ask, what is so bad in a lady keeping herself?

A woman is supposed to be classy, meek, kept.

A woman is not supposed to  be everywhere. 

We would discuss this later

Would you say purity culture aids rape culture?

Why do you think so?

M A:

Because men have been made to believe that a woman's body is some challenge they have to conquer; a our private parts are some insurmountable feat they have to accomplish.

That's why telling a man you're a virgin makes him chase you more mercilessly

And girls who have sex are "spoilt"

And so if you bluntly refuse to have sex, they can't understand.

They want it at all costs

Hook or crook

M-M:

Personally, I also believe the purity culture adds to rape culture because it is used for victim blaming as stated. 

The people are like ‘it happened because she was a whore’ and all that nonsense

O J:

True MM

Very true 

Purity culture aids in victim blaming

Purity culture places the worths and usefulness of women in their vaginas

M-M:

Even the whole ‘she’s a whore, she must have wanted it. She must have been asking for it’

Mo:

Excellently true. And that's why when a woman is raped you hear questions like where was she? What was she wearing? Is he not her husband/boyfriend? Why were you denying him?  Why did she stay over at his place? Why, why, why. And so the woman bears the spiritual, physical, psychological and emotional pain all alone while the guy goes on with his disgusting manhood to make another woman's life miserable.

M-M:

And victim blaming is incredibly disgusting. You were violated, how is the accountability not on the criminal but you?

OJ:

It is because of purity culture that female sex workers are dehumanized and disregarded. 

It is because of purity culture that the society believes a woman who is a virgin deserves respect unlike the woman who has had sex.

MA:

Yeah, she's a good girl. Unlike the one who's had sex; the bad girl.

Yeah. So basically even though I really want to have sex I have to pretend I'm not interested; play "hard to get" to maintain my dignity and be a good girl.

OJ:

Yes

And something very important we have to take note of is that, in as much as these statements made by women regarding catering to the patriarchy annoys you because you are more enlightened and you know better. 

You shouldn’t ridicule them.

In all honesty, this is the society we were born into. 

These are the training, customs and traditions that we were brought up with. 

At some point in our lives, we believed we wanted to be pure, we wanted to be the good girls so we would get the best lives.

Now we shouldn’t blame this women for staying choosing to take care of the patriarchy. That’s all they know.

That’s what they were brought up with.

Even cases of sexual assault and domestic violence, some women know that if they don’t leave, they might die, but they would rather sit and pray that things get better than go out and face the patriarchal world which would condemn them.

MA:

I know right. Very true. And no matter how hard you try to make them see the truth, they just refuse to see. They cling to the old ways like holding on to the thinness of a thread for survival at the dangerous edge of a cliff.

O J:

But you know that you would always need to speak up against injustice

Research identifies rape culture, or a space where rape or sexual violence is normalized, by a few things: acceptance of myths about rape, victim blaming, traditional gender stereotypes, and hostile and benevolent sexism. Purity culture embraces many of these elements.

Rape myths are false beliefs about what rape actually is as well as the victim and rapist. Unfortunately, these myths can create an environment where perpetrators are often protected rather than victims/survivors.

Common rape myths:

 • “They were asking for it.”

 • “She could have resisted if she wanted to.”

 • “Only bad girls get raped.”

 • “Rape only happens at night.”

 • “Your spouse can’t rape you.”

Now, who knows of any myths or lies that purity culture preaches

MA:

If you stay virgin till marriage your husband will love you😂😂😂😂😂

Yeah especially after seeing blood.

I know a girl who goes with a needle whenever she's going to see a new guy.

So she sticks herself with the needle and makes her insides contract. When the guy sees blood he's happy.

But he cheats on her and she moves to another guy with another needle

OJ:

These and a lot more are what women do because of this useless purity culture.

I’ll be quickly sharing some myths and lies the purity culture promotes then a couple of steps to unlearning the purity culture

1. Women are responsible for men’s sexual sins.

Purity culture claims that women’s bodies and clothing can cause men to “stumble” with lust. Rather than placing the responsibility for sexual thoughts or actions on the man or boy who enacts them, purity culture places the responsibility on the woman or girl being looked at and lusted after.

2. Women’s bodies are something to be ashamed of.

If women’s bodies are blamed for lust—if it is claimed that they need to be covered up for the sake of men—this inevitably leads to shame. Rather than celebrating the many wonderful things about their bodies, women and girls are encouraged to see their bodies solely as possible temptations to men.

Right from when a girl is born, she is policed so she doesn’t lose guard and attract the make gaze

In secondary schools, girl are told not to wear lipgloss

Not to wear some hairstyles

A woman’s body is associated with shame and that is why when a woman wants to be “disgraced” or “embarrassed”, first thing they do is strip her naked.

They strip her naked and begin violating her

3. Women shouldn’t have sexual desire.

Purity culture states that the reason men’s sexuality is women’s responsibility is that their “lady brains” are so different that they don’t really have a sexuality, and don’t want to have sex. Unlike men, apparently, who think about sex every three seconds, women are non-sexual. It’s just science. God made men unable to control their sex drive or sexual desire, leaving it up to women to take responsibility.

4. Your virginity is the only thing of worth about you.

For girls and women who are not married, purity culture insists that their value is based on their virginity. They are taught that having sex makes them like a screwed up piece of paper, a chewed piece of gum, or a jar that loads of people have spat into.

5. Women don’t enjoy sex as much as men.

Purity culture insists that sex is something men enjoy and women tolerate. Across the wider population, fifty percent of women can’t accurately label the vagina so this is a wider issue. Purity culture’s silence on and discouragement of women understanding their own bodies leads to a situation where the clitoris (and it’s implication for mutual enjoyment in marital sex) simply doesn’t exist.

6. If women have sex before marriage, everything will go wrong. 

Purity culture makes it clear that if women or girls have sex before marriage, absolutely everything that can go wrong will. The only solution offered is to become “re-virginised” and even then, girls and women are still seen as (and often feel like) damaged goods. The way purity culture portrays sex before marriage leaves women and girls fearful of sex.

7. There’s no difference between sexual abuse and sex before marriage.

Purity culture doesn’t talk about consent. It deals in the right/wrong dichotomy of pre and post-marital sex. Sadly, this leaves many women and girls assuming that the pain and hurt they experience when men/boys sexually abuse them is about having pre-marital sex.

This is a culture put in place to oppress women. Purity culture is anything but pure.

It is woven with oppression and lies. It is yet another weapon of patriarchy to control and marginalize women. I believe that the church and the society will continue to breed shame, sexual dysfunction, and pain until purity culture is rejected.

We have to forcefully reject purity culture in all forms

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t keep your virginity till marraige if you want to.

This want should be out of personal convictions and all

Not because you want to cater to the needs of the patriarchy

Because honestly, the patriarchy only serves the patriarchy

The patriarchy only caters to the needs of the patriarchy

We as women should live our lives freely

We should spread our wings and fly

Experience everything that we want

We deserve to not be locked in boxes

We deserve to not be limited

We deserve to not have to live basic lives because the patriarchy fancies women with basic lives

Your worth is not fixed on your vagina

So a virgin is definitely not worth more than a sex worker

And that’s the fact

The worth of women is not in their vagina

The worth and value of women is not by how sexually active or inactive she is

A woman should be respected because she is human

Every single day, we live our lives unapologetically

We do things we want to do

And we do not give a fuck

We demand to be respected because we are humans and we would be respected

So,

What do you think are the steps that should be taken to unlearn purity culture?

Any suggestions?

MA:

Talking. Talk until they seeeeee. Stick firmly to what you believe in. Reach out to a sister. Don't judge .

OJ:

Thank you BJ

Very important that we talk

You know the basis of your feminism 

You understand the reason for your advocacy 

You would definitely not allow well constructed English or meaningless threads discredit your advocacy

You would definitely not stand for that

We have to reach out to one another

Because the truth is we are all we have got

We understand what we pass through everyday.

Also brings up the need to be a feminist with an intersectional mindset

It takes work, and a lot of unlearning of toxic and painful beliefs, but we can, as adults, become sex positive.

BEING SEX POSITIVE 

Being sex positive means having positive attitudes towards sex and viewing sex as a natural part of the human experience. Sex positive people do have boundaries and a personal moral framework surrounding their own sexuality, but have no judgement of other’s choices that may be different than their own.

They prioritize open and honest conversations about sexuality, consent, and comprehensive education about bodies, gender, sex, and pleasure. 

Sex positive people recognize that not everyone has the same sexual desire or preferences, but this is not a problem to be solved.

They acknowledge and celebrate diversity of gender, they are affirming of LGBTQ relationships and view all sexual activity as positive as long as it happens within the confines of “enthusiastic consent” from both parties. 

FLIP THE SWITCH 

For many women, especially those raised in the religious framework of purity culture, sex was something that was whispered about and forced into a tiny box of when, where and what was its acceptable expression.

Some of us were taught silly nicknames for our genitals and given strict, yet arbitrary rules about modest dress and being alone with boys.

We shamefully learned that our pre-marital {NORMAL} sexual thoughts and desires were sinful and needed to be repressed. We were discouraged from exploring our own bodies and from learning what makes them feel good.

And when, as adults, we entered into long term relationships or marriages, we found it impossible to then flip a switch to ON that had been so tightly held in the OFF position for so long.

So what do we do now? We flip the script. We throw out the old, tired and shameful messages and replace them with new, sex positive ones.

Would anyone love to drop any additional comments or thoughts?

C:

I think the first step to changing the narrative is first embracing our own bodies and loving ourselves for who we are and what we are.  When this is there then no one would be able to tell us whats good for our bodies

Mo Adenuga:

Well I'd love to say it's up to us. Stick strongly to what you believe in. Practice what you preach. Be vocal about this. Love your body. Be confident. Let your morals be what you want, not what the society thinks is right. Remember, this concerns ALL of us.

In conclusion, the discussion dethroned the purity culture and talked about the many disadvantages it presented to the society.

It also talked about ways to abolish the purity culture, by encouraging feminism and empowering our women.