MARRIAGE: THE SEXIST INSTITUTION.

On the 10th July, Whispers Feminists had a discussion on the topic: MARRIAGE, THE SEXIST INSTITUTION. The topic was taken by a guest speaker, Mo Adenuga

FACILITATOR: Mo Adenuga

Facilitator:

So , today we're talking about sexism in marriage.

Does anyone have the idea of what sexism in marriage is?

M:

The idea that it’s “your husband’s house” and not a house that you share

Facilitator:

Beautiful. Extremely correct M

The idea that you're going to live under your husband who is the head of the family, you're also going to take his name.

Any other ideas?

M: when he beats you, you should understand that he still loves you

O:

The fact that in the process of marraige, a woman is sold by her father to the man.

The fact that when a couple can’t give birth, it is automatically the woman that is barren. It is unheard of that a man be barren.

Facilitator:

Thanks M❤️

O:

It is not possible that it can be your house even though you both are now 1

Facilitator:

Totally correct, O. Thanks for this enlightenment.

O:

He’s beating you because he loves you

M:

This is what they told my friend and that she’s understand when she’s older

Facilitator:

So sexism in marriage basically means the transferring of women from one property to the other. A child takes his father's name when he or she is born, but a woman is to take the name of her husband when she's married. Like the transferring of a property from one owner to the other.

Let's talk about the wedding day.

Everyone believes the wedding day is for women. But Feminists, what's your perception of the wedding day?

Can you just imagine!

O:

It is just another day when an event happens

Facilitator:

Correct, O. Thank you.

Well, to me, the wedding day is a market day! Dramatic, isn't it? But I will explain.

On this day, a woman is getting married, given away in marriage from an older man, her father, to a younger man, her to be husband. Both families have bargained on her bride price. She is to be bought. Some families inflate the bride price to make the woman to be bought more valuable.

The father leads the daughter to meet her new husband.

The passing of a property from one property to the other.

After taking their wedding vows, what does the pastor say? You may kiss your bride. The bride is to be kissed. The bride looks away shyly. She's to be made passive and pretty; the way you prepare your goods and make them look attractive when you want to sell them. She is wearing a white wedding dress, looking all beautiful and virginal for her husband.

What are your views on this, guys?

O:

The pastor, usually a male, gives the male permission to kiss HIS bride.

Facilitator:

Just imagine.

So, beautiful women, that's exactly where real sexism starts.

O:

Let’s not forget that when a girl is born, she is being trained to perform well in her husbands house

From the minute she is born

O:

I don't really know what to say about the tradition of handing over the bride😅. Never really thought about it.

Facilitator:

Exactly. And when she makes a mistake, she's reminded: " hope you know you'll marry! Is this how want to be doing in your husband's family????

OJ:

Not just your family

The society 

Schools 

Everyone around that girl

Facilitator:

It's a terrible tradition my sister. Why can't the man be handed over to the family of the woman? Why must she be the one to be bought???

Now, we're moving to the marriage aspect.

M:

Why should anyone be bought?! They’re people not objects

Facilitator:

The man has finally bought the woman over. The woman is expected to know how to do house chores, wash his clothes, make his bed, clean him. She must also succumb to his sexual desires, be it that she's in the mood or otherwise!

O:

When the issue of bride price is brought up, men say it’s not that big of a deal, it’s just tradition. 

But if you wake up one day see that if they paid groom price, men would die of heart attacks 

Calling it an abomination

Facilitator:

Exactly! Exactly!!!!!!

C:

You'll hear different amount for different qualifications. The bride price of a msc holder is higher than that of bsc accompanied by long lists and the question keeps coming. Are we goods?

M

No! They treat us like commodities and that’s why all these expectations of complete and total efficiency comes from

O:

Nothing irks me more than the bride price thing

Facilitator:

This is absolutely wrong ladies. A woman should have the voice in her own home

O:

A man that didn’t die before he got married 

He’s married and it’s the woman’s job

Yes

Are we not auctioning these women to the highest bidder?

O:

Like, the only reason they invested in us is for this particular event. To get married

Facilitator:

In the raising of the children? A woman does not have the right to a job! She must spend quality time with her children while the man works.

O J:

Honestly 

It’s so sad

Facilitator:

Passive and active.

It starts from primary school where we learn that

Daddy pays the school fees

Mummy bathes for us and washes our clothes.

Any mother who chooses to work over her children is termed evil, a non caring mother. A career woman. A woman's sole purpose is to give birth, and take care of them.

That's why she has a womb, isn't it?

Husbands believe if the wife is working and they spend time with their own children they are doing the woman a favor!

Your own children.

Some father's remind their children everyday about how their own mother chose her career over them.

The children are made to see their mothers as evil and terrible.

C:

When the marriage dosen't work out accusing fingers are being pointed to the woman. She is being judged and condemned without being heard. No child yet the blame still goes to the woman nobody questions the man cause we are women it just has to be our fault. When the woman is dieing in silence she is told to endure cause she is a woman like we are the only ones allowed to feel pain

O:

Cases where fathers carry their own children, they would be called Kings.

For taking care of their own children.

Men would be called kings for cleaning their own homes.

Washing their own clothes. Cooking

Yes

When a man cheats, the woman has to endure and pray.

If the man is abusive, physically, emotionally or both, the woman is told to endure and pray

When a man wakes up one morning and says and he doesn’t want to get married again, it’s either the woman wasn’t cooking enough, or dresses sexily, or this or that.

Facilitator:

When the man cheats, the woman is the one worried. She's scare of losing her "home". It's terrible. She's heartbroken. She starts running from pastors to Muslim clerks, praying on mountain tops in a bid to bring back her straying husband.

She starts feeling insecure about her body. She has given birth. She has lost her youthful beauty, according to her scared mind.

The husband does absolutely nothing. She's the one who's left   wondering which "evil spiritual woman" is taking her husband away.

She's the one blamed. Don't shout at him. Worship him. Make him overflow with sex. Marriage is all about forgiveness. Even if he beats you, he's the head. You must be strong. You must always look young and beautiful for your man! The man can go about with a watermelon sized potbelly , look absolutely unattractive. It doesn't matter! The woman should be the one risking her life to make sure her husband doesn't leave😭

My lovely feminists, this must be stopped.

This is an evil cycle that must be broken

Like I always say, talking until they understand. Awareness! We must make them know. Make them see.

We must stand against any man trying to use us as puppets

We must stand up for our mothers

Make them see reason

They won't understand.

Some of our mothers are scared of living without a man.

Some of our mothers insult single mothers out there, calling them prostitutes.

O:

Yes 

Not just mothers alone 

Even our age mates

We have been told that our lives are supposed to revolve around pleasing men

You might be a successful woman but if you don’t have a husband, nobody wants to know what you have

Facilitator:

Yes. It's sad. If you don't have a husband and a child, you have nothing.

C:

Every woman needs to be taught that it's okay to walk out when things are going bad, to love and believe in theirself, stop making them dependent on men but their abilities encourage them to earn a living for theirselves we should always challenge ourselves. Instead of teaching them how to just be good and obedient housewives

O J:

Yes

We educate women around us

We train our girls that their life’s aim is not to get and keep a man 

That there’s so much that define a woman’s worth and success.

Educate women to identify patriarchy and oppression. A lot of women see this as the norm because that is what they have been brought up with.

Always

This is all we can do and we must keep on doing it

Facilitator:

Excellent!!!!!

Thanks ladies.

This was a very beautiful conversation

I'm glad we all contributed.

Thanks for this opportunity.

O:

Yes 

Every woman should be taught all these

Every girl

Men and boys need to be educated too

Women are not their properties 

Women do not exist to serve them 

They are in no way superior to women

Women do not exist to slave over them

Facilitator:

Let's not forget to make all women out there look important.

Not to judge.

Let's make them feel better.

Let's educate our men.

Thanks guys❤️😘

O:

Yes

Just as a boy is being trained to live life for himself, women must be trained in like manner 

Women should be treated as humans with dreams.

Not just beings put on earth to please men .

O:

Women should be allowed to live for themselves, not family, not kids, definitely not man.

O:

You demand your freedom to live like a human being

You demand your freedom to have dreams

That must not include family

You demand to live a life not centered on children

If you desire

A woman must not get married

A woman must not give birth to kids

If she doesn’t want to 

And she would live happily ever after

All those talk that she would not be fulfilled at the end of the day, it’s a lie

It’s a huge lie spread by patriarchy to keep women under its dictates

Facilitator:

You're very welcome ladies

In summary, the Facilitator and guest speaker urged her fellow Feminists to abolish the sexist culture of marriage.